How to Be More Assertive in Your Relationships

What Is Assertive Communication?

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling unheard or resentful? Maybe you wanted to express your thoughts but didn’t want to seem too aggressive—or perhaps you held back to avoid conflict altogether.

This is where assertive communication comes in. Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and respectfully while also considering the needs of others. It’s the balance between passive and aggressive communication—where you stand your ground without stepping on anyone else’s.

When you communicate assertively, you’re not demanding or dismissive, nor are you shrinking into silence. Instead, you’re expressing yourself in a way that fosters mutual understanding and respect. This skill is particularly important in relationships, where clear and honest communication can make all the difference in avoiding misunderstandings and strengthening emotional connections.

Why Assertive Communication Matters

The way we communicate influences every aspect of our relationships—from resolving conflicts to expressing love and setting boundaries. Assertive communication benefits both you and your partner by:

• Building trust and respect – Honest, open dialogue creates a foundation of mutual respect.
• Reducing resentment – Expressing yourself directly prevents bottled-up frustrations.
• Improving conflict resolution – Clear communication leads to productive conversations rather than heated arguments.
• Boosting self-esteem – Expressing your thoughts and needs makes you feel more confident and self-assured.
• Encouraging deeper emotional intimacy – Vulnerability and honesty bring partners closer together.

Key Elements of Assertive Communication

1. Using "I" Statements

Rather than blaming or accusing, focus on your own feelings and experiences. "I" statements reduce defensiveness and make it easier for the other person to hear you.

• Instead of: "You never listen to me."
• Try: "I feel unheard when I share something important and you don’t respond."

If you struggle to identify your feelings or needs, pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What would help me feel better in this moment?”

2. Maintaining Open and Confident Body Language

Your words are only part of the message—your body language also speaks volumes. Maintain eye contact, keep an open posture, face the person you’re speaking to, and use a calm but firm tone to indicate openness and confidence.

Avoid crossing your arms, looking down, or using an aggressive stance, as these can contradict your message.

3. Setting Healthy Boundaries

Assertiveness is essential for setting and maintaining boundaries. It allows you to say "no" when necessary without feeling guilty or being harsh.

• Instead of: "Fine, I’ll do it even though I don’t have time."
• Try: "I’d love to help, but I have too much on my plate right now."

Setting healthy boundaries also means being consistent in enforcing them. If you constantly say “yes” despite feeling overwhelmed, others may not recognize when they are crossing a line. Reinforce your boundaries calmly, such as: “I understand this is important to you, but I can’t commit to it right now.”

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for maintaining a balanced, healthy, and respectful relationship where both partners feel valued and heard.

4. Stating What You Need

Many people express what they don’t want instead of clearly stating what they do want. This can lead to confusion and negativity in conversations. Instead, try framing your needs in a positive, actionable way.

• Instead of: "I don’t want you to ignore me when I’m talking."
• Try: "I’d appreciate it if we could put our phones away when we’re having a conversation."
• Instead of: "I don’t want to feel left out."
• Try: "I’d love to be included in plans when you go out with friends."
• Instead of: “I need you to leave me alone when I get home from work."
• Try: “I want to hear about your day, but I need 30 minutes to myself when I get home first.”

By stating your needs in the affirmative, you make it easier for others to understand what they can do to support you rather than leaving them guessing about what behavior to avoid.

5. Practicing Active Listening

Being assertive doesn’t mean dominating the conversation—it also means actively listening to your partner’s perspective. Nod, make eye contact, and acknowledge what they’re saying before responding. Phrases like "I hear what you’re saying" or "That makes sense" show that you value their input.

6. Staying Calm and Composed

Assertiveness isn’t about reacting emotionally; it’s about responding thoughtfully. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take a deep breath, slow down, and speak calmly. If needed, step away and revisit the conversation later when you feel more grounded.

Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and regulate emotions in the moment. If you notice tension rising, try grounding techniques such as focusing on your breath, counting to five before responding, or briefly shifting your attention to your surroundings. This helps prevent knee-jerk reactions and ensures that your words are intentional and measured.

Additionally, recognizing emotional triggers can help you prepare for difficult conversations. If you know certain topics tend to frustrate or upset you, take a moment beforehand to center yourself. Remind yourself of your goal for the conversation—to communicate your needs and feelings assertively—and focus on the bigger picture rather than just the immediate frustration.

Applying Assertive Communication in Your Relationship

Putting assertive communication into practice takes time, but small changes can lead to meaningful improvements. Here’s how you can start applying it in your relationship:

• Express needs clearly: If you need more quality time together, say, "I’d love to set aside one evening a week for just us."
• Address conflicts calmly: If an issue arises, bring it up without blaming—"I felt hurt when our plans changed last minute without discussing it first. Can we work on better planning together?"
• Stand your ground respectfully: If you’re feeling pressured into something, politely but firmly decline—"I appreciate the offer, but I’m not comfortable with that."

Final Thoughts

Assertive communication is a game-changer in relationships. It allows you to express yourself confidently while maintaining connection and respect. By using "I" statements, setting boundaries, and practicing active listening, you create a dynamic where both you and your partner feel valued and understood.

The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Try it this week—speak up with confidence, listen with openness, and watch how your relationship develops.